Author: marlowfication

ok but get this

a HP au fic in which after the war Harry’s just so fucking fed up with everything but not in a resigned sad way but like a little bit pissed in his “no need to call me sir, professor” sassmaster kinda way, and he as MOD just starts fucking with Death and Death is like look u little fucknugget i have work to do.

So they compromise by making Harry travel back in time (idk how they arrived to that conclusion, i’ll figure it out later, maybe Death was like YOU KNOW WHAT, why don’t i send you to bitch at the dude who’s actually to blame for al this) to when Tom is around 19/20 yrs old and working at Borgin & Burkes.

And then Harry sets up an obnoxiously cheerful flower shop right across the street where he has two skeletons holding flower pots and wearing bright orange aprons greeting people. The owner of Borgin & Burkes sends Tom regularly to try and get rid of the flower shop/convince Harry to at least move closer to Diagon Alley, and Harry’s like “no, because fuck you”.

Would anyone want to read 10K fic like this tho. IDK I’m sorry.

*breaks into your house through a window*

BUT WHAT ABOUT A D. GRAY-MAN X KHR CROSSOVER WHERE DGM IS PART OF HIDDEN HISTORY AND THE NOAHS WERE THOUGHT TO BE CONQUERED AND EVERYTHING GOES ACCORDING TO KHR CANON BUT THEN DURING THE RING ARC TSUNA STARTS FEELING A LIL BIT STRANGE AND THEN WE FIND OUT THAT HE’S THE LATEST REINCARNATION OF THE MILLENIUM EARL AND HE HAS TO SRSLY BATTLE THE SIDE OF HIM THAT SOMETIMES SLIPS INTO THINKING THAT HUMANS ARE INFERIOR and i just want things, ok.

The story doesn’t even have to have all the other Noahs. Maybe none of them, so Tsuna ends up feeling strangely lonely, and he sometimes wonders if Xanxus is the Noah of Wrath but he can never confirm that, so he has a rly odd soft spot for Xanxus that he never explains.

*STUMBLES INTO THE ROOM*

LISTEN

A HP FIC IDEA

I JUST GOT ONE

ok so this is an AU. Roll with me, we love AUs. How do I start. Fuck, I haven’t actually slept much because we’re rly busy at work and i’m going to sweden again tomrorow and i haven’t packed yet lmao whatever. FIC IDEA. Oh yeah also I got accepted to this rly fucking rad uni to do my master’s prog in my preferred track so im all about achievements these days. BUT ANYWAY. FIC IDEA.

Ok so, I wanna write a veela fic or smth. But like, wait. It’s an AU, like I said. Starts with the canon HP setting where voldebabe temporarily dies, BUT. THE WHOLE BOY WHO  LIVED THING IS KEPT HIDDEN. Like, people have only vague ideas and assume that Dumbledore defeated Voldemort etc. So nobody know about Harry, really, and Sirius’s case is investigated and he doesn’t go to Azkaban. Instead he and Harry live at Grimmauld etc.

But like, the plot is sorta similar to canon but like, let’s just jump to the part i actually like??? So this whole veela bsns. Yes, there are veela mates, but it’s not the kind YOU GOTTA OR YOU DIE stuff. More like “law says that if you find your veela mate you gotta at least spend some time together platonically unless there are srs reasons to why you can’t”.

And draco’s the veela because of course he is. And he has no rivalrly with harry because yeah he’s vaguely aware of the polite but not timid potter who’s adopted by cousin sirius black, because potter is rly good at quidditch. But aside from the vague awareness, he doesn’t find potter interesting or attractive because look at that unruly mess of a hair and those huge glasses and wy does he dress like a homeless person??? has anyone seen his eyes ever??? he’s the best seeker bt what the f u c k.

And then badabim-badaboom, puberty hits dRaco and with that the revelation that shit, potter is his veela mate. And he doesn’t understand why because omfg talk about a downgrade. And he shows it, too. that he’s not happy.

Meanwhile Harry, who’s best friends with ron and hermione, is neck deep in this whole So I Discovered I Am A Horcrux, How Do I Deal With This bsns. So he’s got his dad’s cloak and when vodlemort truend to dust, the ring conveniently ended up in harry’s baby fist long enough for the resurrection stone to be like “m8 yaaaasss”. And now I’m imagining the stone to talk like Wendy Williams. Whatever. Ok, moving on.

So Harry’s busy doing important things like saving the world when voldemort tries to return, and Draco is stil like I DON’T LIKE POTTER but then Viktor krum turns up and he and harry get along like a house on fire, and draco is like I DON’T LIKE THIS FRIENDSHIP EITHER.

And then 6th year happens and Draoc and Harry end up talking sometimes, but not too much because even tho Draco now thinks that maybe Harry’s a lil bit cute, and at least he’s rich and from a decent family despite his mother, he still thinks that Harry’s a bit of a loser. Nothing exciting.

And then Harry runs off with Ron and Hermione, rides a dragon outta gringotts, wages a war against the dark lord, raids the ministry, frees some prisoners and and that shit. and draco’s like what.

And after that they start learning about each other more and harry tells him about the basilik and philosopher’s stone and all that stuff.

get this

a naruto fic in which putting naruto and sasuke in the same team ended up getting a different reaction from a bunch of petty jounins.

Like don’t get me wrong, these jounins aren’t like, EVIL. More like “ugh an uchiha” and “lmao that hatake dude” and they’re the kinda ppl who might be talented in their own right, but resent people like kakashi and sasuke for getting special treatment.

so they think: it’s obvious that kakashi with his sharingan will focus on sasuke. and it’s obvious that sasuke will always want to be the best. so you know what’d be a great way to piss them both off? train the class clown to beat him!

And this is how a bunch of petty, sorta assholish jounins (who might not like naruto but they like sasuke and kakashi even less) end up training naruto to become a kickass shinobi.

My Grandfather speaks rapid Cantonese to me.
He’s telling me what he wants from McDonalds.
The kid behind the counter rolls his eyes at this.
The woman behind us in line says “Speak English” under her breathe.

The grip my Grandfather has on my arm tightens.
My Grandfather can speak English.
He can understand English.
He can write English.

But he came when he was in his twenties, and he has an accent
that will never leave.
And when he speaks English
he hears-
“How long have you been here?”
“Can you repeat that again?”
“I don’t understand you.”

And it humiliates him.
This man who left his family,
who left his life to make a better one.
The bravest man I know
is embarrassed of his accent.

And in McDonalds,
the man who crossed the pacific
in a freight boat with no papers
and no one he knew in this country,
bows his head in shame.

Gwai Lo (via seevikifangirl)

tsunasty:

deafonyourleft:

totallytrailbreaker:

skellydun:

rip santa.

Working in Retail in under 3 minutes

i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb

transcript:
“So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more.
So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects?
And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.
So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening?
So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.”